Push On

Just furthering my attempt at "starting fresh" by also "pushing forward". Which of course comes coupled with admitting how hard it is. 

Before I actually mustered up the courage to open up this site, I was at a full stop. 

I stopped reading, drawing, writing, and even blogging which left me feeling like I didn't love anything anymore. My boyfriend would ask me "What makes you happy?" and I would shrug and start to cry. Sometimes I still do...

Nothing made me happy. The things I loved made me feel inadequate, talent-less, and made me compare myself very negatively to those I deemed "better at it than me". Even now as I try so very hard to dig in and just do it; I find myself becoming easily frustrated and overwhelmed. It's easier to just stop again, but I know that isn't what's best.

The worst of it is being aware of how bad it is. Trying to explain to people what its like to have no drive and to feel bad about having no drive is so exhausting. Hearing your inner monologue moments out loud as you try to recount them to people who care about you, makes you look crazy. Then despite their best efforts, they usually just make it worse. 

It's a viscous cycle. 

But breaking the cycle, as scary as it is and as impossible as it seems, feels really good. 

Releasing my site before I was really ready forced me to be ready. And when you suffer from holding yourself back the fact will remain that you'll never be ready. I would have talked myself out of it and shut the project down. Then I would have moped about it...

I still set something out, tell myself to do it, and instead curl up in a ball and watch Bob's Burgers for about the millionth time. Zoning out is easy and takes very little effort. There is nothing for me to mess up. But I am also getting better at just doing the thing that needs to be done. I can't leave this site a bare but well designed wasteland. I can't start a hundred blog posts and never finish them. I can't start a story and leave it halted in the middle. 

I can't keep letting myself feel like nothing makes me happy.

I have to let them make me happy again.

I have to push on.